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everybody's fool - evanescence |
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well well well... here's a good one. i think i might be starting to get fed up with john. not want him anymore. im sick of wasting my life waiting for him. im sick of being depressed over him when there were and still are so many good relationships that i rejected or put off b/c of him. i put them off by blaming them on other things like distance (when they can drive and OFFER to come visit) or reputation (when i really dont give a shit) or lack of intrest (which is true... b/c im ALWAYS thinking about JOHN). it's not right and it's not fair to me or to anyone else. i asked john tonight if he thought we were going anywhere or if we were just gonna keep with this friends-with-benifits shit. he said he didnt know. i then had to leave and i told him to think about what i had asked him and try to get me an answer. i'm not going to call him tonight. im not going to call him tomorow. if he calls me, great, but otherwise, im not gonna waste my time. im gonna ask him on monday if he came up with an answer yet. and im not gonna let him brush me off. im not going to wait until the end of the day for him, because the end of the day just isnt good for me. morning not good for him, to damn bad. i have waited for him for to damn long already. if he doesn't have an answer, im gonna guess that he only sees me as another girl that he can get with and say fuck it. if you honestly think about it, you would think that if he did actually like me, it wouldnt take him two weeks of maybe or i dont know to decide. im NOT going to end up waiting for him for another month and then have him decide to go out with me, or another girl for that matter. i am NOT going to set myself up, thinking he's gonna ask me out he's gonna ask me out, and then get crushed when he ends up with someone else. i am NOT going to end up crying over him again. if he wants me, great, if im just a piece of ass to him (like i am to most other guys) then fuck him, he wasnt worth it. another thing that i've noticed. somehow, things have become JUST like they were when we were going out, cept he's all over other chicks. i'm still with him a lot of days after school, he's stopped telling me when something is wrong, he's started ignoring me a lot again, and we're all over each other when we're alone. wow, some relationship we had huh? it's actually starting to remind me of all the things that i HATED about going out with him. i don't know how i got so attached to him that i couldn't get over him for months when our relationship was such bullshit. is there something that i'm missing here? or is this just fucking CRAZY!!! WHY the hell did i want him BACK!?!?!?! what was it that i loved about him? what was it that made him so different that i couldn't stand to lose him? why the hell did i cry over HIM?!?! what the hell made him so different? did he act like he cared? no. did he treat me special in some way? not that i remember. was he totally hot? eh 1-10, 5. not something i normally put in my top 5 must haves anyway. was i figuring that i could use the break-up as some wierd attention stunt? if that was my subconcious plan, i fucked that one up cause i always kept w/e i felt for him secret from just about everyone and pretended i was pretty much over him. WHY THE HELL AM I SO STRUNG OUT OVER HIM!!!!! it makes NO fucking sense!! none. there was nothing there to make me want to be with him. any normal person would think that i would HAPPY to get out of a relationship like that. most people can't understand why i stayed with him. my excuse to them is that there was just something special there. but the more i think about it, the more that i can't remember what that something special was. if i loved him, why the hell did i? what was it that i loved? the way he never told me anything or the way that he put me off till i bugged the hell out of him and he finally made time a couple of days later? maybe it was just the way that he kissed me? or the fact that he didn't hit me? did i think that there was something there when there wasnt? was i just clinging to something i wanted, but didn't exist? was i somehow just lying to myself so that i could find some wierd twisted way of making myself feel better by making myself feel worse? does that even make any fucking sense?!?!?!?! and why the hell am i so mad at him, it's not like any of this is his fault. he didn't go into any of this planning for me to come out like this. i know him well enough to know that he wouldn't do that. or i could just take shortie's word for it. she said he was about to cry when he came to her saying he needed a way to break up with me. i wonder if he actually cried when it was over with. if he actually cared. he seemed to give me that note pretty easily, but he's always been good at hiding what he feels. i don't know, i really honest to god just don't know anymore. and right about now, i think im gonna go curl up in my big blue chair and cry myself to sleep. not like it's something new.
~lauren
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